...Rather · waste · some · time · with · you.

dear boyfriend,

you're like the stars.

You have been upgraded from the sun.

zombiesaresoboringggggggg.

I hate that he hurts himself and his body and his mind...I'd rather puke my guts out, or watch ten puke videos...then know that he is puking because of something he has done to himself, when i've begged him not to. I love his mind/body/heart and if he hurts any one of those things it hurts me more. I swear to God I love him ten times more than hes ever loved himself. =\

Oh, no.
I love him so much.
I'm in trouble.
Everytime I love him so much I can't breathe, that means I'm in troubbbbble.
It's okay he makes me happy.

I dont know...today I'm just sad...plain and simply sad.

I just got to thinking, how much I hate not being loved. Loved back.
I know that I can move on to the point where being friends is all I need...but I'll still love him...I'll always love him. I'll always want the best for him, and to spend time with him, and for him to be in my life forever. And he'll never want that. He'll never say that he loves me, he'll never think about me all day, he'll never put me first in his thoughts...anymore. I know it used to happen, often even. Now I've been replaced by the ugliest three letter word I've ever seen. And, that hurts the most. Maybe I'll want someone else, enough to even make me happy..but I'll always be sad, at the thought that he loves her more than he ever loved me.

I don't know.

I cried today.
I hadn't cried all week.

"I can't decide if it's worse to be there and not be able to help...or not to be there, and to put it in the back of your mind. Either way, I can't do shit to help...either way hurts..and either way I miss him."

I hate that feeling....that horrible, stinging, aching feeling..the feeling of envy. The one where you would do anything to be somewhere else, doing something else...to trade lives. Is it sad that I would trade all I have, everything in the world, to be a 5 year old boy without a father...just to grow up knowing someone he knows, being next to someone he can be next to? Or any scrawny annoying bitch from the south, that just so happened to be at the right place at the right time...?
I would give everything up for just 5 minutes. 5 minutes of nothing. Five minutest of wasted time. Five minutes of watching the discovery channel..five minutes of looking at the moon...five minutes of listening to Hanson...five minutes of staring at the wall...5 minutes of smoking a cig...five minutes of holding hands, hating eachother, yelling, fighting, crying, kissing, swearing, dancing, talking, touching, looking at eachother, hurting eachother. I'd give up the rest of forever for 5 minutes...and I dont know why. The only thing I know...is that no matter how hard I try...I can't get past these thoughts..I cant move on to something easy..I dont want easy. I dont envy easy things. Its not jealousy. Jealousy...is a silly hatred for someone that has something you want. Envy is this aching horrible dying-inside feeling that you can't be where someone else is. I want to be there...Just to see, to touch, to smell. Even ugly smelly things. Hell..I'd settle for a phone call.
Sadly, I'll continue to settle for less.

I worked 21 hours from friday until today, tuesday.

That is 120 dollars in less than a week. I think that makes me happy. I really do. Well...and I work friday and sunday...so friday is another 20 and sunday is another 30. OMG. so by the time pay day comes I'll ahve made atleast...200 dollars this paycheck i bet. This brings me great gladness.

On another note.. I have a little sister today. This is superbly neat. I am glad.

I don't want to feel empty.
I never used to feel empty..I used to be filled with this hope...in love. I believed in it. Now, I dont have hope in any love. Not mine..it's failing me.

I am so sick of this shithole of a school.

Today...I noticed that someone had stolen my notebook...that I had my resume, biography, coverletter, and all other important asignments in. Not to mention a million silly doodles. Who could possibly want to steal a fucking note book...

Besides that...my flatiron is gone. Its only my cheap one but still. And out of my bag, my heat glide was also stolen..and anyone that knows me knows that my heat glide is gold to me. I'm just so sick of this bullshit. Buy your own damn shit I'm not rich. Besides..I dont have time or energy to recreate my whole portfolio. It was good, I can't do that again.

I'm dropping out I can't take this bull.

I wish.

Note to world:
Thanks to Rhonda's broken tweezers..I over tweezed my brows today. FUCK!DUDE!
Today was a good day. I thoroughly enjoyed today tbhwy.

Read it no matter what you're doing...
Listen to it, if you get the chance...

THE SPILL CANVAS

"Self-Conclusion"

Fade in, start the scene
Enter beautiful girl
But things are not what they seem
As we stand at the edge of the world

"Excuse me, sir,
But I have plans to die tonight
Oh, and you are directly in my way
And I bet you're gonna say it's not right"
My reply:
"Excuse me, miss
But do you have the slightest clue
Of exactly what you just said to me
And exactly who you're talking to?"

She said, "I don't care, you don't even know me"
I said, "I know but I'd like to change that soon, hopefully"
Yeah, we all flirt with the tiniest notion
Of self conclusion in one simplified motion
You see the trick is that you're never supposed to act on it
No matter how unbearable this misery gets

"You make it sound so easy to be alive
But tell me, how am I supposed to seize this day
When everything inside me has died?"
My reply:
"Trust me, girl
I know your legs are pleading to leap
But I offer you this easy choice-
Instead of dying, living with me"

She said, "Are you crazy? You don't even know me."
I said, "I know, but I'd like to change that soon hopefully"
Yeah, we all flirt with the tiniest notion
Of self conclusion in one simplified motion
You see the trick is that you're never supposed to act on it
No matter how unbearable this misery gets

I would be lying if I said that things would never get rough
And all this cliche motivation, it could never be enough
I could stand here all night trying to convince you
But what good would that do?
My offer stands, and you must choose

"All right, you win, but I only give you one night
To prove yourself to be better than my atttempt at flight
I swear to god if you hurt me I will leap
I will toss myself from these very cliffs
And you'll never see it coming"
"Settle, precious, I know what you're going through
Just ten minutes before you got here I was going to jump too"

Yeah we all flirt with the tiniest notion
Of self conclusion in one simplified motion
You see the trick is that you're never supposed act on it
No matter how unbearable this misery gets

I HATE the STU...!

They are so humiliating. Kay homo's, make me look stupid. Thanks, that will really help.

>:[

Two hours of sleep.

Not good.

I stay up all night, torturing myself with thoughts that need not be thought. I don't need to worry so much..why do I? I have nothing to worry about.

Ow my head.

i wish it could do as much as I thought it could.

I'm positive that absolutely not one person reads this thing.

I'm entitled to care once in a while, about petty things like that.
Today I do. >:(

I'm cold and sad. I wanted to see cole and melissa this weekend, but I didnt have money to go down there. Cole's here but Melissa isn't and, I can't get a hold of cole. It makes me upsetted. I'm sick of being cold.

I have such a sinus headahce from bending over to straighten 20million shirts at work. I went grocery shopping because I got paid today. It was nice, hopefully I'll save money on eating out. I can only hoppppppeeee. I need to start saving more. It sucks, I hate money, hate hate hate.